2022.09.27. 04:22, mayden
Papp Zoltn:Selfish Mugger
A Screenplay by Zoltan
INT. A LIBRARY - AFTERNOON
Intuitive computer programmer MS SHARON COCKLE is arguing with sweet author DCI HECTOR JONES. SHARON tries to hug HECTOR but he shakes her off.
SHARON
Please Hector, don't leave me.
HECTOR
I'm sorry Sharon, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.
SHARON
I am such a person!
HECTOR frowns.
HECTOR
I'm sorry, Sharon. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
HECTOR leaves.
SHARON sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, cute navigator PROF MOLLY MACDONALD barges in looking flustered.
SHARON
Goodness, Molly! Is everything okay?
MOLLY
I'm afraid not.
SHARON
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
MOLLY
It's ... a mugger ... I saw an evil mugger frame a bunch of elderly ladies!
SHARON
Defenseless elderly ladies?
MOLLY
Yes, defenseless elderly ladies!
SHARON
Bloomin' heck, Molly! We've got to do something.
MOLLY
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
SHARON
You can start by telling me where this happened.
MOLLY
I was...
MOLLY fans herself and begins to wheeze.
SHARON
Focus Molly, focus! Where did it happen?
MOLLY
Notting Hill, London! That's right - Notting Hill, London!
SHARON springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
SHARON rushes along the street, followed by MOLLY. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
EXT. NOTTING HILL, LONDON - SHORTLY AFTER
MILDRED GUMP a selfish mugger terrorises two elderly ladies.
SHARON, closely followed by MOLLY, rushes towards MILDRED, but suddenly stops in her tracks.
MOLLY
What is is? What's the matter?
SHARON
That's not just any old mugger, that's Mildred Gump!
MOLLY
Who's Mildred Gump?
SHARON
Who's Mildred Gump? Who's Mildred Gump? Only the most selfish mugger in the universe!
MOLLY
Blinkin' knickers, Sharon! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most selfish mugger in the universe!
SHARON
You can say that again.
MOLLY
Blinkin' knickers, Sharon! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most selfish mugger in the universe!
SHARON
I'm going to need rainbows, lots of rainbows.
Mildred turns and sees Sharon and Molly. She grins an evil grin.
MILDRED
Sharon Cockle, we meet again.
MOLLY
You've met?
SHARON
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young SHARON is sitting in a park listening to some trance music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.
She looks up and sees MILDRED. She takes off her headphones.
MILDRED
Would you like some chocolate?
SHARON's eyes light up, but then he studies MILDRED more closely, and looks uneasy.
SHARON
I don't know, you look kind of selfish.
MILDRED
Me? No. I'm not selfish. I'm the least selfish mugger in the world.
SHARON
Wait, you're a mugger?
SHARON runs away, screaming.
EXT. NOTTING HILL, LONDON - PRESENT DAY
MILDRED
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
MOLLY
(To SHARON) You ran away?
SHARON
(To MOLLY) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
SHARON turns to MILDRED.
SHARON
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
SHARON runs away.
She turns back and shouts.
SHARON
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with rainbows.
MILDRED
I'm not scared of you.
SHARON
You should be.
EXT. TRAFALGAR SQUARE, LONDON - LATER THAT DAY
SHARON and MOLLY walk around searching for something.
SHARON
I feel sure I left my rainbows somewhere around here.
MOLLY
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly rainbows.
SHARON
You know nothing Molly MacDonald.
MOLLY
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, MILDRED appears, holding a pair of rainbows.
MILDRED
Looking for something?
MOLLY
Crikey, Sharon, she's got your rainbows.
SHARON
Tell me something I don't already know!
MOLLY
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
SHARON
I know that already!
MOLLY
I pick my nose and eat it.
MILDRED
(appalled) Dude!
While MILDRED is looking at MOLLY with disgust, SHARON lunges forward and grabs her deadly rainbows. He wields them, triumphantly.
SHARON
Prepare to die, you selfish courgette!
MILDRED
No please! All I did was frame a bunch of elderly ladies!
HECTOR enters, unseen by any of the others.
SHARON
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those elderly ladies were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Sharon Cockle defender of innocent elderly ladies.
MILDRED
Don't hurt me! Please!
SHARON
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these rainbows on you right away!
MILDRED
Because Sharon, I am your mother.
SHARON looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.
SHARON
No you're not!
MILDRED
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
MILDRED tries to grab the rainbows but SHARON dodges out of the way.
SHARON
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, MILDRED slumps to the ground.
MOLLY
Did she just faint?
SHARON
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly rainbows.
SHARON crouches over MILDRED's body.
MOLLY
Be careful, Sharon. It could be a trick.
SHARON
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Mildred Gump is dead!
SHARON
What?
SHARON
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
MOLLY claps her hands.
MOLLY
So your rainbows did save the day, after all.
HECTOR steps forward.
HECTOR
Is it true? Did you kill the selfish mugger?
SHARON
Hector how long have you been...?
HECTOR puts his arm around SHARON.
HECTOR
Long enough.
SHARON
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Mildred Gump.
HECTOR
Then the elderly ladies are safe?
SHARON
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable elderly ladies enter, looking relived.
HECTOR
You are their hero.
The elderly ladies bow to SHARON.
SHARON
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Mildred Gump will never frame elderly ladies ever again, is enough for me.
HECTOR
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the elderly ladies passes SHARON a gold ring
HECTOR
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
SHARON
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
SHARON
Well, if you insist.
SHARON takes the ring.
SHARON
Thank you.
The elderly ladies bow their heads once more, and leave.
SHARON turns to HECTOR.
SHARON
Does this mean you want me back?
HECTOR
Oh, Sharon, of course I want you back!
SHARON smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
SHARON
Well you can't have me.
HECTOR
WHAT?
SHARON
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a mugger to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
HECTOR
But...
SHARON
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Molly.
MOLLY grins.
HECTOR
But...
MOLLY
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
HECTOR
Sharon?
SHARON
I'm sorry Hector, but I think you should skidaddle.
HECTOR leaves.
MOLLY turns to SHARON.
MOLLY
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
SHARON
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly MOLLY stops.
MOLLY
When I said I pick my nose and eat it, you know I was just trying to distract the mugger don't you?
THE END
Tata, 2022.szeptember 27.
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